Justin Bessler died suddenly and unexpectedly on Friday 20^th August at 11pm. He had finished his last course of chemo a week before. He was at the finish line and needed to clear the last set of infections before he got his pass to continue his life after six months of chemo. It is shocking and devastating that we lost him when he should have been in the clear. He was 21 years old. This blog is for him.

• I would never take a walk in the park.
• I would never try and ease my bum onto a swing.
• I would never actually bury my head in those gorgeous roses from Woolies that I rush from the till to my car to the dining room table.
• I would never grab a friend that I see too little of and tell her how much I love and miss her.
• I would never chase my sausage dogs around the house, driving them into a yapping happy delirium.
• I would never go lie on the grass in the middle of the day.
• I would never have a glass of wine at 10am or dare to smoke a cigarette in front of my husband.
• I would never stand up and walk out of meetings that are nothing more than a bunch of boys beating their chests.
• I would never read emails from people that are full of defense and excuses, and reply in anything but the most polite and direct manner.
• I would never stop when I saw someone in desperate need. It is easy to stop when someone is half-okay. It is not easy to stop when they are dirty and naked on a pavement. Or swollen and broken on the side of the road. I drove past these two people just last week.
• I would never insist on eating food that is made with love and nutrition and goodness, instead of packing in whatever fast-food is available on the run.
• I would never sit still for a minute and allow that fearful wave of emotions: be it happiness, grief, anger, pride, fear,  frustration. Pack it all in, swallow it up, heads back, get on with it.
• I would never attempt a cartwheel.
• I would never walk out of my office when people have let me down. I would solve the problems for them. No more.
• I would never walk around in my pyjamas until 5pm the next day.
• I would never go out for breakfast by myself.
• I would never paint my nails odd colours.
• I would never visit friends with babies because I needed to hold and smell something good, and pure and innocent. It was because they needed assistance with something or there was a birthday / christening.
• I would never try and climb a tree again.
• I would never walk around in a cozzie or bikini again.
• I would never high heels for fear of throwing my back out or teetering over and sliding down a wall.
• I would never order food in for a party without slaving away trying to perfect a stupid recipe.

Jus – when you catch me doing all these things from now on – have a giggle on my behalf